Disclaimer: Everything I write is my own opinion. I won't say anything that I know to be untrue, but by the nature of getting things out in a kind of "as-I-think-them" fashion, mistakes happen. Please be aware of that, and inform yourself with proper resources before taking anything I write as hard facts.
Anger and frustration are powerful motivators. At least they were for me, when all my other batteries were depleted and when there was no reason for me to be functioning in any capacity. My mid-to-late teens were challenging. I switched school with 16. Finally putting some distance between me and my bullies, and the 4 horrible years prior. It was a bit of a restart. I got some breathing room. I wasn't popular in the new school either, but by the virtue of being in an IT-focussed course, I didn't stick out as too weird. I did well in school for the first time in years. It felt bearable. At home was complicated as always. The fights at home weighed heavy to me. And then there was this weird feeling that I really, REALLY, wanted to be someone else. And that I might rather be a girl. But, hey, that couldn't be right? After all, I just got away from the bullies, there is no way I would ever talk to anyone about this and be a target again. Anyways, all the transition stuff might be a bit too personal for this format. And there is plenty of things to work through before I can share much in any capacity. In short: I didn't even remember this until recently but it plays into today's topic.
I was angry. That I wasn't happy. That I wasn't feeling like a person. That my life was as it was. And I wanted it to change, I a lot more ways than I was maybe letting myself be aware of. And when the final year of high-school turned around, and I saw an opportunity to leave my life behind, I grabbed it. I channeled that anger and frustration into getting the best grades possible, so that I could go to a university far away from home.
I managed. I finished top of the class, and got accepted into a university 600km away from home. And then what? Life did not get better. I was alone. For the first time in my life dependent on myself. Complete freedom. And I cracked under the weight of it. Suddenly there was no primary motivator to learn. After all, the degree at uni was never the goal, the getting away was. I failed, and landed right back home after a year, where I finished my bachelors at a local university. The misery at home continued, but I had great friends during these years, which carried me through that time, and managed to obtain the degrees with only 2 years delay.
What went wrong? Multiple things. Anger made me lose sight of what I actually wanted, and made me chase the short-term solution. Not to say that going to university far away was not the right thing to do. But I could have done it in a less challenging course. At which point I could have maybe managed to finish there, and save myself from the next chaotic 5 years to come.
Anger is a great short-term motivator. It can also be inspiring! Going through something in spite of big hardships is a hard thing to accomplish. But it cannot be the fuel that gets you through life. Requiring anger to be a functional human doesn't just sound unsustainable, it very much is. And what happens if you run out of anger? In my case, I collapsed. Depression, burnout, no motivation. The urgency is solved, I burned myself out with my anger and then needed to cool-down. Until the next urgency.
The issue that I figured out for myself is a cycle of my normal human batteries being empty, use anger and frustration to kick myself into gear, and once the goal is accomplished, the base energy levels are even lower, which means the next motivation is even less likely to come from a natural place and before you can recuperate naturally the cycle repeats. Until you are so fucking done, nothing gets you out of bed anymore, and you are just a passenger in your body, and only lucid during the times you are actively raging towards the next thing.
After cracking my egg, and starting my transition, this cycle wasn't broken. I went from "Why do I not feel like myself?", to "Why is the world so cruel to us?" And that's a very easy thing to use as anger-fuel for myself. And it can be useful. Being myself in spite of what people think is hard, but I'll show them that it brings joy. And maybe that can change some minds. But running on anger all the time is the cycle I am actively working towards breaking. Because it is what my brain is used to. It has become a habit. I want to engage with things because I just want to. To think a bit further ahead with what I want. And to stick to something, and be able to look back and see how far I've come for myself. Just because I wanted to. Not to solve any issues. To be proud of myself.
So yeah. Anger is useful in moments. Don't live your life being angry. It won't end well. We deserve better.
- Cass