Well I had this one ready for while, so I'll just publish it now. I guess the dev log was a bonus.
I'll be writing about my transition, about things that weigh on me these days. I'll try to obfuscate details where I can without losing the message. It might get a bit heavy, so pour yourself a cup of your favourite tea, wait for a cloudy grey rainy sky, cozy up on the couch with your shark plushie and put on some sad piano music. Here is a recommendation.
Six months ago my life looked a lot different. It was the month before "the big event", I had just come back from a beautiful trip with my partner, and my therapy and antidepressants seemed to have really kicked in and helped me get out of a mental pit.
In fact, they helped me so much, that a few weeks later, I finally admitted to myself something I had subconsciously repressed for the past 20 years at the least. I knew it, there was no going back. Not really. But I was scared that I would try to close that door again. So I did the only thing I could think of in those days: set so many things in motion, that things would snowball to a point where I couldn't go back, no matter how much I wanted to. Just to make one thing clear: We all have our own path. What I did was the right thing for me, and is in no way advice!
So I told everyone, my partner, my friends, my parents. I started processes, to begin social and medical transition. Skip forward to six months later, I have socially transitioned everywhere, and have been on HRT for two months. I jokingly called it the transition speedrun any%. I got lucky. Extremely lucky. This is not something that usually goes this smooth or fast.
The situation at work is okay to good, no one in my team really cares, some of the staff have been colder than before. But hey, I'll take what I can get. I didn't lose any friends, I am not on speaking terms with my family, and for a manyfold of reasons, the relation with partner has changed drastically.
You might be asking what all of this has to do with strength. Doing things so fast, I rode the avalanche down to the valley where I am currently at. All the big things are done. I have to play the waiting game now. I get to enjoy the life as the person I have always wanted to be.
Well. Enjoying is a hard thing to do. The world is not always kind to us. Being myself has come with the fact, that I am bracing myself every time I leave the house. For the stares, for the ridicule, for the comments, for being misgendered. All these things by themselves are annoying. But they do add up. Death by a thousand cuts they say. It certainly isn't death, but every hit chips at the mental shield I am putting up.
Things are getting better. I am sadly getting used to it. And I start giving less of a shit about it. If this is because my skin is growing thicker, or if I have just given up, I do not know.
Being this affected by it makes me feel like damn failure. "This is what you wanted Cass, why aren't you happy?", I keep thinking to myself. I am happy. In some form. I just need to remind myself every day that I don't have to hide myself. I don't have to be afraid someone is going to see behind a mask. Because I am not wearing one anymore.
I see the other girls. I admire them. They live as themselves. They are brave. They are courageous. They go out as they want. If they care about what others think, they aren't showing it. I can see the light in their eyes every time they tell me they pushed their boundaries a little more. I give them hope, and tell them everything is going to be okay when they worry. I am offering to listen and be there for them if they need someone to talk to.
So why can I not see the same strength in myself? Why can I not accept that I am doing something brave too. Why does the mind come up with so many reasons why all my achievements are lesser than those of others that have done the same things. Why do I feel like I am not worth the effort to be helped when I am feeling down. Why do I feel like I will be a burden and annoying if I speak too much about my feelings? And moreover, why cannot I be there for myself the same way I am there for others?
I am wrestling with these thoughts a lot. And the only advice I have for myself, and others in the same boat, is to remove yourself from yourself, see yourself as someone else. As an outsider seeing yourself and your situation, how would you see this person? It is an incredibly hard thing to do. But it works for me. It's not a magic bullet. Doubts linger, I fight myself on these topics. But it's something we can manage to get good at with practice.
I don't know if there is a word for feeling this way. I think we do carry our good with us as much as the bad. It's just that the bad has a tendency to push itself into our vision constantly, and the good keeps hiding in the corner of our eyes. We know something is there, but from our perspective it remains elusive and out of sight. If we remove ourselves from our point of view, and listen to the people around us who care for us, can we recognize what we do every day, how far we've come, and how much effort we do put into things. List the things you know to be objectively true! Write them down on paper! Make it something tangible you can see!
Let me spell out some objective truths. And these are not exclusive to being trans or transitioning. Strength and courage are:
Being yourself, not making yourself small for anyone, even if people think you are wrong or weird, or they are telling you it's a bad idea.
Undoing masks that we wear to hide and protect ourselves, showing our true faces to the world, and the vulnerabilities that come with it, is courage.
Going head-on against the relentless winds and tides that come your way, enduring the onslaught of forces, and still saying: No! It is you who are wrong!
Being kind and putting on a smile in the face of overwhelming adversity.
Walking our own paths, besides the signs and with no map, and treading it for the ones that come after.
Can your doubters and enemies say they have done all of these things? I don't think so. Most people will not face hardship like this in their lives, and that is a good thing. So here is the final advice, and some words to recite, for myself & for you:
Be the unstoppable force and the immovable object at the same time.
I had initially written this post last week Wednesday. I'll be publishing a follow up soon. Because on the very same day I stumbled. And I think it is important to also acknowledge that, and how I am dealing with keeping on.
-- Cass