This will be the last post about this topic for a while. Maybe I'll have more to reminisce about in the future. When this post is concluded, I have told you about all the works I have ever finished and done something with.
We had a good setup at this point, and repeated and refined what we learned from the first audio drama. By project four it had become routine.
First of, we did another project for the birthday boy who got the movie done for him a few years back. At this point it's 2019, and we had finished university and we're living in different parts of Europe, some of us even across the world.
I think the reason I wanted to make this happen, was because I really missed the family I had during these wonderful but brief five years we had spent so many days together. Making one of these projects was bringing back some of the magic from these days. We work together, I hear a lot more from everyone, and we usually have a meet where we all get together and listen to the final production.
It didn't matter if I was depressed or not feeling well. When it came to the scripts, I gave it my all. I got excited about all the dumb things I wrote, and could my ~~willing subjects~~ friends to say. I was feverishly looking forward to every cut and work in progress that Lucas send me when he had finished it. And the day we showed it off to everyone was a happy one, no matter the other circumstances in my life.
We did the one in 2019 which was already a lot longer than the one we did in 2016, and then the last one we did for someones wedding in 2022.
After that, there was nothing. The wedding of one our friends felt like a chapter had closed for good. The good days were over, and no matter how much silly garbage I wrote and have people act out, they won't come back.
We all had jobs, were in relationships, were engaged or were already married the following years. I got busy with my own relationship. My drive and motivation plummeted over the next years as my dissassociation get getting stronger. I had convinced myself that this childish stuff was all behind me now. I am living the serious adult life now, and if I wanted to make something new it had to be more mature, less silly, the humour had to be refined and a million other reasons why this was just too much work for me.
They were precious memories we can look back upon, and talk about whenever we meet.
And anyways: who am I? Just some run-of-the-mill-guy (which was still my belief at the time). What would make my words interesting enough for anyone to want to read them? No. I enjoyed writing, but I didn't believe it was worth doing if no one ever read it.
But Cass, you interrupt. Didn't you say the other day, that it doesn't matter to you if you scream into the void?
Yes. I did. Since back then there are a few things that changed. And some of it was hard to admit to myself, but it broke down so many walls and barriers in my head, that it was absolutely worth it.
I transitioned. This is the most important thing I did to helo me break this blockage. I live true to myself. I don't feel like a passenger in my own life. The words I speak are mine, they are authentic, and they are not longer influenced by what would be expected of me by others. Being able to speak from the heart is a blessing, and I wish for anyone to be able to express themselves in that way.
Second, before I transitioned I desperately tried to fill the gaping void in myself. It's not easy to say, but I wanted to become famous. A person people recognize on the street. I thought if I have manage that, I will have my purpose in life, and I will finally feel fulfilled. The big issue here is abviously that one does not simply become famous because she wishes to be, and also having any lack of motivation, sense of self-worth to even start anything that could lead to it.
So it stayed a longing. SOmething that was always my masterplan to get myself puzzled together, and something that I could start if I only got a little bit better menal health wise. That never happened.
Lastly, there was a feeling inside me, that told me that I did not have enough human experience to be able to write authentic character or stories. Before I met my partner, I always thought: I have never experienced love in a relationship, how can I ever hope to write something with such a gap in my human experience. Later this feeling expanded, and I realize now that it came from growing dissaociation. Feeling less and less like a human, being content, having fun, loving and being loved but never fully complete, always chasing that elusive solution that would make me finally understand why I feeling so different than all the other people around me.
In March I stopped digging in this pit, climbed out and started filling it with cement. Shovel by shovel. And I feel like writing now. Not for the sake of fame or reaction (not that I wouldn't love if people got enjoyment out of my work), but because I take joy in writing. I laugh when I think I wrote a very funny passage I note down ideas, I create characters with big personalities, and I am slowly finding my style.
What are the plans now? Well. I did want to novelize the scripts from the audioplays, and I actually started doing it. You can look at it here.
While writing that first chapter, I realized how much I would have to change about these texts, how many jokes were references that no one would get and that some characters (like a german gangster tha uses english envery two words and german-fies them) would not work at all translated.
And besides, why should I walk the beaten path. These scripts will always be there if I ever want to work with them. I think it's high time I do try to write something a bit longer. I have a few ideas, and I will throw stuff at the wall until something sticks. Just because it is fun.
That all being said, I wish I could make another movie at some point, but that's an ambition for another time.
-- Cass